Disclaimer: This is something I wrote a few months back and it was lying in the drafts so far. Today when I think of the day I wrote this, it makes my belief stronger in the phrase - This too shall pass. Mind you, this is not the current state of my mood right now. I am publishing it as I don't want my efforts to go wasted because of non-publishing of a piece of bull crap.
Do things have to make sense all the time? If yes, then do not read this post. It is not meant for you if you think that way!
I am feeling dead depressed. Reason - I know. But my heart is not ready to accept it. It's like losing everything all over again. I am too weak to face one more failure. The biggest one. This time my heart and my mind - both are saying the same thing, still I do not want to accept the truth. I feel too comfortable in my shell. And this very shell is going to destroy me one day, but at this moment I feel secure there. It keeps me hidden from the truth that's there outside, the truth I know but I do not want to accept, the truth that will give me only hurt in the end. I will face it when my shell destroys me. I know I will have to face it; but until then, I am happy being blind, dumb and deaf.
How easy it is to believe something that's not real. Difficult is to accept the reality. All said and done, you make mistakes unknowingly, you may still be able to come out of that; but when you are making a mistake knowingly, even after being fully aware about the outcome of it, then nothing can stop you from getting destroyed. Your shell will have to burst one day. You will be broken beyond repair; and the worst thing will be that you would have known that all along.
I am in a pretty weird mood. I have never been so pessimistic in life ever. Maybe because life always made sure that I fall and I fall so hard on the ground that I cannot ever stand up on my feet. But I have always defeated life. I have had worst times, but I have been all alone facing those times. I have been tough, to an extent that I had become immune to the word problem or hurdle. I accepted my failures and never believed that I could win. I knew I had to live with this forever. And I even thought that this was the peak of my pessimism. So very wrong I was. I thought that a heart break is the worst pain anyone can ever face. But there are graver pains, worse hurts, and they destroy you beyond repair. Have you ever experienced your soul getting hurt? Hurt is a small word. The feeling of your soul getting ripped apart cannot be expressed at all. It does not leave any marks behind. It cannot. Where will it leave the marks? There is nothing left of you, nothing at all.
I am going there. I know what will happen to me. But I am still going there. I was always going towards it, but so far, I had not realized it. But now I know my fate. The only good thing is that I have a reason to smile these days. A reason good enough to get me going happily. All I can do is to pray that the smile lasts till I reach there...
"Have you ever experienced your soul getting hurt? Hurt is a small word. The feeling of your soul getting ripped apart cannot be expressed at all. It does not leave any marks behind. It cannot. Where will it leave the marks? There is nothing left of you, nothing at all."
ReplyDeleteI couldn't have said it better. Neha, al I can say is that whatever doesnt kill you makes you stronger. Good luck and a big hug.
hugs girl.this too shall pass. a beary hug for you...common here...
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Hang in there Neha. You'll make it no doubt! :))
ReplyDeleteLove and hugs!
I don't know what has happend but yes i have had the similiar feeling once and perhaps many more times.but i believe that God only gives us that much pain which we can tolerate. So this shall will pass and all good will be there.
ReplyDeleteGod Bless and TC
I am glad you are over it, whatever it was. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. And you have proved that, haven't you? :)
ReplyDeleteI guess everyone feel such things one or the other time in their life but it shall pass like everything else, right?
ReplyDeleteI pray that the smile never fades away :) yeah this too will pass
ReplyDeletehang on in there.. I'm sure you will come out on top of this as well.. THIS TOO WILL PASS
ReplyDeleteAnd I doubt YOUR SMILE will not last.. Cheers!!
Mind you.. the earlier comment was for the post.. not that I did not read the disclaimer!!
ReplyDeleteThey say the best thing about learning yourself is to go through suffering. You need to embrace your inner pain once you accept the fact that you are in this stage you will start changing your attitude then you'll look back to this day because what you are going through now will only make you stronger.
ReplyDeleteIt is just a phase.
ReplyDeleteIt will pass.
The sun do not whine when the clouds block its shine. The sun always in its inexplicable awareness that it shall ever remain bright no matter what happens. There is no limit for pessimism and optimism because the assumed limitations are very relative. Depression is deadly. One is left only with two options when it comes to face this deadly enemy of mind. We are either to deal gently with it or just to go with it. There is no other options left. Life works according to the law of polarity. The pendulum must go on, for us to move on. Think of the man who always complain that he has no shoes to wear, until one day he sees a man without both his legs. It is all matter of perception. I know its always easier to advise. Brave up. We are here for a reason, not for a season.
ReplyDeletebad phase come and go don't worry
ReplyDeletemaking sense or not great feeling in the post.
ReplyDelete